I realized the other day, why I know that I love you.
It's hard to admit to myself that we might never be anything, and it's hard to keep my self respect when all we do is disrespect one another in the most beautiful way. Our bodies fit one another like they're puzzle pieces who have found the right place. My heart is yours, but I don't want you to have it, cause I want to keep my own property. But let's get back to the point, I know that I love you because if you ended up with someone else I would be hurt. I would be crying on the floor everyday, missing you. That's how I know that I love you, because even the mere thought of you loving someone else hurts me to the core. You'll probably never read this and you'll probably never know how I feel, because I get scared to tell you that real feelings are now involved, at least on my part. Feelings are involved, I already went through this with you, months ago, wondering if you'd ever feel the same. Then I let it go and our relationship bloomed, I could tell you like this part of me better, so I want to stay that way for you. When I hear myself say these things I feel ashamed because I treat myself like your doll, I am available to you 24/7 and sometimes I don't even do it on purpose, I just thoroughly enjoy you and the sex isn't too bad either, but I just like to feel safe in your arms, but I may seem too eager at times.
I was being petty a few nights ago, and I wasn't all too sober, but truth is I deleted your number out of my phone, after sending you a pretty provocative snapchat picture, of me basically inviting you to search every inch of my body. I wanted you so bad but didn't want to outwardly say it, so I tried to provoke you... No response lead to me deleting your number, and I felt a little bit better. Because I don't like being vulnerable to you. I'm not waiting on you anymore, if you want me come and get me. If not, then I guess we were never meant to be anything more than what we are now, if we are even allowed to put a description on our relationship, friendship, acquaintanceship, whatever the fuck this is. Let's see what you do, cause lord knows I don't want to be waiting around for you...for another full year. You texted me the next night, showing that you still wanted me, trying to make moves down to where I stay, I see your effort. But in all honesty it's not enough for me anymore.
I don't love you.
That's what I'll tell myself for now.
AB
I'm coming back to this post that I never published. A few days later and my feelings for you kind of changed. Not so worried about you anymore, I still feel for you in a strong way, but I don't know where your head is. So I don't know how to feel about you anymore. All I can say about you now is that I love you as a person, but I don't know if you'll mean anything more to me. A year of knowing you, a year of being in your arms, a year of laughter, a year of confusion, a year of communication, a year of missing each other, a year of being vulnerable to you, a year of being an almost couple, a year of nights in your bed, a year of movie dates, a year of sex, a year of what the fuck is going on. I don't know how to feel anymore, I'm numb to you now.
So I don't love you
That's what I feel now...
That's what I say, and it might not be the truth, but I don't know quite yet.
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
Saturday, September 26, 2015
It's been a while.
I haven't posted in a while...why? Because I've been living.
I started my junior year of college with more baggage and problems than I ever wanted, thinking that my heart was healed, realizing that it was just falsely bandaged. Life is rough.
Before school even started, I came in feeling great about myself, my commitment to the gym was higher than ever, I got to see my friends who I knew loved me for me, and I was stable; emotionally and spiritually. But that all changed very quickly. Getting drunk is a hobby of mine, we're only young once and my liver can handle it now. It's not a problem, but it is a tendency. In the daze of drunkenness I was...in a sad and twisted way privileged to hook up with my college crush since freshman year, though things weren't really what they seemed, infidelity was a thing for him, but I didn't know. Then days later I found myself playing the game that was played on me so many times. A boy was head over heels for me, although that didn't last long obviously, but he thought I was it, I was his dream. And honestly I played into that causing a couple of intimate moments that I later realized that I cherished more than I thought. He was a sweet man who couldn't look me in the eyes after I told him to keep this on the low. I don't quite know why but our friendship is slowly recovering but my feelings are still up in the air when it comes to him. Then, again, days later I fell back in love with the boy I've known for almost a year. Although our bodies and words have intertwined with each other for that year, we've never discussed anything more. What was gonna come from this, me, trying to not replay my whole freshman year virginity thing, I haven't brought it up, because on date three he told me he wasn't looking for a relationship, understandable, I wasn't either, but 10 months later...what do we do. Seeing him makes me childish and goofy all over again each time I lay my eyes on him. He's sweet and he's kind, treats me well when he takes me out, and he loves me well at the end of the night. He's the only one I've decided to have sex with in the past 6 months, and I don't know if I did it subconsciously but I only let him hit it, with the lights on or off. There's a sense of safety there when we're together, but when we're apart for months at a time because that's what our schedules and living situation allows, I get scared cause I don't know who else he's loving when it's not me. This last time as we laid up in the back of my car, trying to regain our breaths after doing what we do. We found a sense of monogamy through our conversation, which I guess neither of us really knew that we were both being monogamous to each other. I think it scared us both, and made us question, what are we doing. I've asked that question many times as I've gone through the phases of hooking up with people in the past, the whole, "What are we doing, like what do you want from this." I usually ask too early, but 12 months deep, what the fuck are we doing?
On the other spectrum of my problems, there's one thing that's creeping back up on me. Something I've never told anyone, but maybe one or two people. But every time I water down to make it not seem like much. When I was in the 8th grade I developed eating disorder tendencies, I say it like that because I never felt good enough or thin enough to claim the full disease. When I was younger it was worse than it is now, I blatantly just stopped eating multiple meals a day and stuck with just one meal, while being extremely active at the same time. High School it got better, yet worse at the same time. I just found a new technique. Freshman year decided to not eat breakfast and lunch and then would binge at dinner time. Sophomore year I did the same but realized I was still fat. Junior and Senior year I kept it moving doing the same thing but not to those extremes as before, it only got worse in the summer time, binge eating and laxatives where my thing, and summer time gave me the opportunity to have all the time in the world to eat and guilt myself. Freshman year of college was the year I dropped 30 pounds, for the first time in a semi-healthy manner. I feel in love with the gym and weight training and continued that all the up to this very moment of typing. But I still had tendencies, I would skip out on a meal or two or space them out where I couldn't get all my meals because the day was almost over. I got really thin to the point where I weighed about 149 pounds which is really unhealthy for my body I'm 5 foot 10 inches with a wide frame, my mom suspected that I had a problem but never really dug too deep, thankfully. I was doing a lot of cardio to the point of absolute exhaustion almost every day, then in this past summer I got really into lifting and becoming stronger, and I did just that putting on about 20 pounds over the span of that past year, and it is mostly muscle I have gained back, but I do get insecure, and this past week my body felt so different that I even feared that I was potentially expecting, I was holding fat on my lower abdomen which made me feel ugly, so I worked my ass off and it's gone, but the I went about it was all wrong. As I lay in bed now and run my hands across my body I can feel my bones, and that makes me happy...and that scares me too that I feel so much joy from that. I don't want to be like this for my whole life, and part of me feels like it will just fade over the years. But in the back of my head I know it wont...
So that's what I've been going through in this past month, it's been rough. But it can only get better, right?
I started my junior year of college with more baggage and problems than I ever wanted, thinking that my heart was healed, realizing that it was just falsely bandaged. Life is rough.
Before school even started, I came in feeling great about myself, my commitment to the gym was higher than ever, I got to see my friends who I knew loved me for me, and I was stable; emotionally and spiritually. But that all changed very quickly. Getting drunk is a hobby of mine, we're only young once and my liver can handle it now. It's not a problem, but it is a tendency. In the daze of drunkenness I was...in a sad and twisted way privileged to hook up with my college crush since freshman year, though things weren't really what they seemed, infidelity was a thing for him, but I didn't know. Then days later I found myself playing the game that was played on me so many times. A boy was head over heels for me, although that didn't last long obviously, but he thought I was it, I was his dream. And honestly I played into that causing a couple of intimate moments that I later realized that I cherished more than I thought. He was a sweet man who couldn't look me in the eyes after I told him to keep this on the low. I don't quite know why but our friendship is slowly recovering but my feelings are still up in the air when it comes to him. Then, again, days later I fell back in love with the boy I've known for almost a year. Although our bodies and words have intertwined with each other for that year, we've never discussed anything more. What was gonna come from this, me, trying to not replay my whole freshman year virginity thing, I haven't brought it up, because on date three he told me he wasn't looking for a relationship, understandable, I wasn't either, but 10 months later...what do we do. Seeing him makes me childish and goofy all over again each time I lay my eyes on him. He's sweet and he's kind, treats me well when he takes me out, and he loves me well at the end of the night. He's the only one I've decided to have sex with in the past 6 months, and I don't know if I did it subconsciously but I only let him hit it, with the lights on or off. There's a sense of safety there when we're together, but when we're apart for months at a time because that's what our schedules and living situation allows, I get scared cause I don't know who else he's loving when it's not me. This last time as we laid up in the back of my car, trying to regain our breaths after doing what we do. We found a sense of monogamy through our conversation, which I guess neither of us really knew that we were both being monogamous to each other. I think it scared us both, and made us question, what are we doing. I've asked that question many times as I've gone through the phases of hooking up with people in the past, the whole, "What are we doing, like what do you want from this." I usually ask too early, but 12 months deep, what the fuck are we doing?
On the other spectrum of my problems, there's one thing that's creeping back up on me. Something I've never told anyone, but maybe one or two people. But every time I water down to make it not seem like much. When I was in the 8th grade I developed eating disorder tendencies, I say it like that because I never felt good enough or thin enough to claim the full disease. When I was younger it was worse than it is now, I blatantly just stopped eating multiple meals a day and stuck with just one meal, while being extremely active at the same time. High School it got better, yet worse at the same time. I just found a new technique. Freshman year decided to not eat breakfast and lunch and then would binge at dinner time. Sophomore year I did the same but realized I was still fat. Junior and Senior year I kept it moving doing the same thing but not to those extremes as before, it only got worse in the summer time, binge eating and laxatives where my thing, and summer time gave me the opportunity to have all the time in the world to eat and guilt myself. Freshman year of college was the year I dropped 30 pounds, for the first time in a semi-healthy manner. I feel in love with the gym and weight training and continued that all the up to this very moment of typing. But I still had tendencies, I would skip out on a meal or two or space them out where I couldn't get all my meals because the day was almost over. I got really thin to the point where I weighed about 149 pounds which is really unhealthy for my body I'm 5 foot 10 inches with a wide frame, my mom suspected that I had a problem but never really dug too deep, thankfully. I was doing a lot of cardio to the point of absolute exhaustion almost every day, then in this past summer I got really into lifting and becoming stronger, and I did just that putting on about 20 pounds over the span of that past year, and it is mostly muscle I have gained back, but I do get insecure, and this past week my body felt so different that I even feared that I was potentially expecting, I was holding fat on my lower abdomen which made me feel ugly, so I worked my ass off and it's gone, but the I went about it was all wrong. As I lay in bed now and run my hands across my body I can feel my bones, and that makes me happy...and that scares me too that I feel so much joy from that. I don't want to be like this for my whole life, and part of me feels like it will just fade over the years. But in the back of my head I know it wont...
So that's what I've been going through in this past month, it's been rough. But it can only get better, right?
Monday, September 14, 2015
Thursday, August 20, 2015
11:03 PM
I can't really put all the words together to explain this gut feeling. But things are not the same and I thank God every day that my life is different than it was just a few months ago. When people would say that you change into a whole other person at this age, I mean I knew I would be different but I didn't realize what it meant. I feel like I've grown so much more in the past 12 weeks than I have in my whole life that it is impossible for me to comprehend my past. Like those things never happened and that girl wasn't me. It's all a faint memory, and even sometimes a dream that I'm still waking up from...still filled with shame and terror, I don't want my past to even say my name. And I tremble at the thought of that time, although fun, I didn't have a focus, I didn't have a grind. And now a little bit later in time I've found my light, I'm living in my prime. All these things good, but I still feel lost and a little misunderstood. Like I'm stuck, suffocating in this place, better than I was but not quite where I am destined to be. Struggling to let go of those people who aren't there for me, literally the ones who only come around when it benefits everyone but me. I've grown up my whole life being a people pleaser, and see that isn't a good thing...when I think about it, it really has done nothing but damage me. Throughout my whole life I was so concerned with others feelings towards me, that I didn't give myself the time to maintain my own. Struggling to stand firm in my worth, getting rid of those who don't nor care to respect me. Letting go of transgressions that meant nothing but felt a lot like something. I'm a sensitive soul, and although not said out loud, a lot of these things tear me apart inside, crying, screaming, dreaming, and being all within my mind. The hardest yet most beautiful time of my life. Chasing something that I can't see, chasing something that I have to wait to come to me, chasing everything instead of doing the work and waiting patiently. Still eager at heart and naive in my thoughts and expectations. Life is throwing me curve balls and yet I still expect to end up on base every time. I've given up on giving up and I would love to say that I don't let my past define me, but it does. It defines me to the tee, every line in my skin, every word that flows from my mouth was built upon my past. Everything I've done that has made me ashamed; has made me to be the person I'm proud of today.
Monday, June 8, 2015
Hands.
To all the men better yet boys who have had me or even come close. You didn't deserve any of it. Rude? Maybe but once a woman finds her self worth her mind changes and those things she once did and used to do become regrets because she is rebirthed she is new. So to all the boys who have had me or even just come close; remember rhe words that made me swoon over you, the slight bit of your attention that made me kiss your lips. The words or looks that made me laugh…why didn't you just leave it at that. Why did our clothes have to come off? Why did your hands have to shift over my entire skins surface area? Why did you feel that you could treat me any kind of way, and think that I would just be okay? Why did you have to go further than just admiring the reasons I laughed and the way I smile when I get nervous. How come you couldn't stop at the sight of my excitement for you, the way I listened to you speak how come you couldn't stop and give me the same decency? How come you had to take the next step? I didn't want you to feel all of me right away I wanted you to feel one part at a time and fall in love with it before you move on to the next part. I wanted you to fall in love with my freckles and my stretch marks. I wanted you to get lost in my eyes every time we said hello. I wanted you to do so many other things than just removing my clothes. I wanted you to talk to me about your dreams while we both still had on our jeans. And just like the way you slid your hands down my naked spine, I wanted your hands to slide up my thighs and just stop there because you wanted to… all of these things didn't happen and that's why I find my self here in this place right now.
I think about you more often than not, and we don't talk all the time but once a month we see each other and each time I fall for you again and again. Something about you is so sincere, but yet devious all within itself. The way your hands touch any part of me I mistake your explorative hands for delicate piano protege fingertips, I mistake your smile for sunshine and sometimes I'm okay with that. I'm okay with us not being a real thing because when I see you once a month it feels real, more real than I've felt in a long time. I sit and sometimes regret the certain hands I've let roam my skin, the hands that were connected to boys who claimed to be men, hands that were connected to egotistical dicks who liked to count me on a finger rather than listen to me and see that I'm a dreamer. Hands connected to boys I don't talk to anymore, hands connected to boys who don't have any idea what respecting a woman means. Hands connected to boys who never even saw me, saw me for who I really was who I really am. Hands connected to boys who are not yet men but will probably never be men. Hands, these hands, hands. I don't wanna be touched by hands anymore, I wanna be touched by you.
Please remove your hands from my body and place them on my soul, be delicate with me, I beg.
I think about you more often than not, and we don't talk all the time but once a month we see each other and each time I fall for you again and again. Something about you is so sincere, but yet devious all within itself. The way your hands touch any part of me I mistake your explorative hands for delicate piano protege fingertips, I mistake your smile for sunshine and sometimes I'm okay with that. I'm okay with us not being a real thing because when I see you once a month it feels real, more real than I've felt in a long time. I sit and sometimes regret the certain hands I've let roam my skin, the hands that were connected to boys who claimed to be men, hands that were connected to egotistical dicks who liked to count me on a finger rather than listen to me and see that I'm a dreamer. Hands connected to boys I don't talk to anymore, hands connected to boys who don't have any idea what respecting a woman means. Hands connected to boys who never even saw me, saw me for who I really was who I really am. Hands connected to boys who are not yet men but will probably never be men. Hands, these hands, hands. I don't wanna be touched by hands anymore, I wanna be touched by you.
Please remove your hands from my body and place them on my soul, be delicate with me, I beg.
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
The Aftermath of Happiness.
This is a new piece that I wrote...its' been a while since I've written and this is a product of mixed emotions. It's not completely finished but when are anyones' feelings completed.
I’ve been there. In the corner with me, myself, and I.
Surrounded by the pieces of my broken better yet shredded heart, the smell of
pungent alcohol traced vomit in my hair, and your name slowly leaving my mouth
in the most disheartening way. The aftermath of the happiness is…the only clear
and logical way I can depict my life at this time. About 6 months of alcoholic
nights and sloppy love making and I’m still here better yet “there” in the
aftermath of happiness. When that buzz wears off and you keep drowning yourself
in hard liquor trying to get that feeling back, When you feel intimacy with
someone and you urn for their touch one more time, but you then realize that it
was just a one night thing, not an eternity. You’re basically chasing a feeling
that you will never reach…but you reach that feeling in the pit of your stomach
that makes you want more, that disgusting thought that you could actually be
genuinely happy…that feeling that nothing in this life will ever make sense or
even just go your way. That is how I feel day to day. I am dissatisfied with life all the time yet,
I feel so much joy in my times of lonesomeness. I still laugh more than I
breathe, and I don’t know if it’s a coping method but today…Today my earth is
shaken. Today I feel like I stand alone, I miss your touch. I had more of you
than I wanted a couple months ago, and in these past 3 weeks I haven’t missed
anyone’s touch more than yours. Plot twist, you’re not the only one on my mind.
I’m stuck on someone else, and I don’t really know how to let him go. He left
his mark on my heart and after months of no communication and you and I’s
bickering ways he has walked back in and it’s not all on him because I acted
and let him in. He is in, my soul and I don’t think I’ll ever let him go. This
doesn’t mean I don’t like you, but he has been there since all of this started
he was the beginning of the aftermath of happiness. He was the happiness and he
left me in the aftermath of a 10.0 earthquake that shook me up, and left me
mangled between the pieces of my own heart. Left me logged in his every move, I
didn’t feel complete without his bleak smile. I didn’t feel complete until he
looked at me with those dreary eyes, blankly looking into mine that were
flooded with undesirable tears that couldn’t quite yet fall, until he turned
away and went along with his day. I can’t leave him alone.
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Grandma
My moms' mother died when I was about a year old, and that's one of the saddest things I've ever gone through. I didn't realize it until now, because I was lucky enough to be blessed with another grandmother...but that's just the thing I have to call her grandmother, I can't call her grandma or granny, or mama, or anything she told my parents that she prefer I called her grandmother nelson. So, rightfully so I really wish my moms' mother was still alive, because I know her spirit is just like my mom's and if people tell me I'm the spitting image of my mother then I know I'd be just like my grandma. I'm 19 and I miss her more than ever, I think it's because I'm going through things that I don't wanna go to my mom with but I wish my grandma was here to help me with it. I can't talk to my grandmother because she will judge me like she's done my whole life. So I miss my grandma, like she's the one I would confide in and spend all my time with. I don't know her too well but all I imagine is her being like my mother times 10! And I wish I could just be in her arms again, cause my heart is so heavy with everything I'm going through; past but fresh heartache, new love, friendships fading, and feeling lose. My mother always describes her as the strongest sense of family, and I miss that feeling of having family, so I miss her. Basically there's a difference between a Grandmother and a Grandma and I miss my Grandma.
Sincerely,
AB
Sincerely,
AB
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