2.
I promise I
notice the little things. I've been trained to criticize my body since I was a
young teen. So I notice the way you lean when you’re admiring life. And I
notice when you smile, and that certain look in your eyes. I notice you, and
not physically your looks but I notice you and your thoughts the times when
life is throwing you rocks. I'm hopelessly noticing every aspect of your skin.
Wanting you to just let me in, because you may not notice it but I'm already
in…your presence. Here and open hearted…come sleep in my bed and let's be
honest. Tell me your deepest thoughts, to the point where I know you better
then you know yourself. Cause I notice things the little things. The freckles
that lie on your forearm, those long laughs that mean you’re thoroughly
enjoying life. I notice you and you are great…you're a person, you matter more
to me than you know. Because I notice you. Baby I truly do. I stumble over my
thoughts when it comes to you. I don't ever know exactly what to do, when I'm
around you. In public I just wanna kiss you, I want to be able to miss you. I
want you to be my person. I don't want labels and I know I don't need a
relationship but be my person. Be the one who physically shows me love and
emotionally stabilizes me. I don't want too much from you but I also don't want
to require you to do the things that you do. If you don't get what I mean let
me explain 1…2…3… I won't ask you to be something for me that you are clearly
not. So you're not my boyfriend, and I think we're friends. See these are the
things I don't fully understand. When it
comes to you and I there is a state of confusion, because both of us don’t
wanna ruin a good thing…by talking a sifting through our concerns, because I
think together we just wanna learn from each other and from our mistakes. We
want life to take its course and we don’t want to be anything more. We like each
other’s company but to search for something beyond that will take at least one
of us getting hurt, and although it may be worth it, neither of us want to take
that risk, so that’s why we are the way we and we can just add it to the
list…of things we haven’t talked about. Because it’s easy for both of us to
just lay silently in each other’s presence, because that’s what we enjoy about
our time together. And like I said I notice you and your tendencies, so I
wonder what’s gonna come next with the idea of “we” because I know neither of
us is gonna be able to let the other be. Drawn together like magnets, that’s
the way it will be until one of us loses that attraction…which may take a
while…like I mean a long time. So within those calendar months, I wonder how
much laughter we’ll share together, and I wonder how many tears will fall from
our sockets, either together or apart, I wonder if we will learn to confide in
each other, I wonder if you will continue to think of me as someone more than a
fling. I wonder what bed I will be laying in most nights…I wonder if I will
learn to sleep better with another person lying next to me, or is sleeping
alone in the cards for me. I wonder how many forehead kisses, the ones that
give me butterflies, how many will you give me? I wonder if long car rides will
be our thing. I wonder if I’ll be able to call you mine one day or will I end
up with another guy someday. Will you fight for me, or let me go. Will you be
with me, or will you be with every other girl you see. I will wonder these
things until I see you next, that could be in weeks, or a month, or it could be
casually as I walk down the strip of common ground towards my intended
destination, and we make that eye contact that will either electrify our bodies
or stimulate our minds. Will I run into you as I walk through the double doors,
will you approach me as I sit and pretend to focus, or will you walk by me and
continue on with your day and let all our memories pass away?
This the first of many lovey, mushy, girly, annoying poems I've written and will write, so I think they deserve their own page.
1.
The truth is I am deathly afraid to trust someone else with my feelings. I don’t want anyone to care about me because I know people get tired of caring. And I don’t want to be helpless in those situations. I want to control when and where I get hurt, I want to tell the person who will eventually hurt me, that they will crush me. I want to look them in the eyes and say, “Hey you know one day you will tell me you don’t care about me anymore.” And as they sit and deny those things I will choose when I get to weep over the anticipated heartbreak. I also want to be in love, since I knew what the generic version was, I wanted to be in love. In this past year at the brim of adulthood I have figured out what real love actually is and I know it hurts. I know love will hurt me and hurt me bad, so rightfully I am scared to let someone in. And the thought of someone loving me forever seems unreal and out of touch, because we live in a world where young men are taught that loving a girl for just one night is seemingly alright. So I’m scared. I am more than a tall awkward girl with creamy skin and a shy smile. I am more than that and to share those things that lie deeply beyond the surface scares me. I have baggage, enough of it to last me a year in New York City. So in this time and in this place, I am not ready to be “steady” I am not ready to be in a committed relationship, because I haven’t learned to trust. So if I am honest I am just a tease because I won’t give anyone the full me…just yet. So I am sorry in advance for playing with your emotions and giving you the cold shoulder after a night of affection. But please know it is not personal…I am just scared. I am scared that you may be the one to show me what love may feel like, and I am scared that you may be the one who wants to love me for just one night. I am scared that I will give you all of who I am and in return get an appointment at Planned Parenthood. I am not ready to be susceptible to the ways of this world, I am not ready to take emotions out of acts of love. I am not ready to be not scared. I want to feel you until I say stop, I want control and I want to manipulate you for my benefits; and I know I sound like a bitch but at this age I want simple bliss. I am trying to figure out who I am, and I am trying to build my morals, I am in the process of detaching from what everyone else has told me is right and wrong; and making those my own decision. I am trying to make sure what I believe in is my own faith and not my upbringing’s. And I am trying to find out what I consider real love to be. And at the same time learning to appreciate life one day at a time, because when my friend died I realized we don’t always have tomorrow. So...I am sorry for playing with your heart, but I just don’t know where I want to start…so I am in helpless wander and I want to feel things but I don’t want to commit to them yet, so I am sorry I am so scared. But I will try to be there. Unless you wanna get lost with me too...
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