The Aftermath of Happiness.

This is a new piece that I wrote...its' been a while since I've written and this is a product of mixed emotions. It's not completely finished but when are anyones' feelings completed.

I’ve been there. In the corner with me, myself, and I. Surrounded by the pieces of my broken better yet shredded heart, the smell of pungent alcohol traced vomit in my hair, and your name slowly leaving my mouth in the most disheartening way. The aftermath of the happiness is…the only clear and logical way I can depict my life at this time. About 6 months of alcoholic nights and sloppy love making and I’m still here better yet “there” in the aftermath of happiness. When that buzz wears off and you keep drowning yourself in hard liquor trying to get that feeling back, When you feel intimacy with someone and you urn for their touch one more time, but you then realize that it was just a one night thing, not an eternity. You’re basically chasing a feeling that you will never reach…but you reach that feeling in the pit of your stomach that makes you want more, that disgusting thought that you could actually be genuinely happy…that feeling that nothing in this life will ever make sense or even just go your way. That is how I feel day to day.  I am dissatisfied with life all the time yet, I feel so much joy in my times of lonesomeness. I still laugh more than I breathe, and I don’t know if it’s a coping method but today…Today my earth is shaken. Today I feel like I stand alone, I miss your touch. I had more of you than I wanted a couple months ago, and in these past 3 weeks I haven’t missed anyone’s touch more than yours. Plot twist, you’re not the only one on my mind. I’m stuck on someone else, and I don’t really know how to let him go. He left his mark on my heart and after months of no communication and you and I’s bickering ways he has walked back in and it’s not all on him because I acted and let him in. He is in, my soul and I don’t think I’ll ever let him go. This doesn’t mean I don’t like you, but he has been there since all of this started he was the beginning of the aftermath of happiness. He was the happiness and he left me in the aftermath of a 10.0 earthquake that shook me up, and left me mangled between the pieces of my own heart. Left me logged in his every move, I didn’t feel complete without his bleak smile. I didn’t feel complete until he looked at me with those dreary eyes, blankly looking into mine that were flooded with undesirable tears that couldn’t quite yet fall, until he turned away and went along with his day. I can’t leave him alone.

Grandma

My moms' mother died when I was about a year old, and that's one of the saddest things I've ever gone through. I didn't realize it until now, because I was lucky enough to be blessed with another grandmother...but that's just the thing I have to call her grandmother, I can't call her grandma or granny, or mama, or anything she told my parents that she prefer I called her grandmother nelson. So, rightfully so I really wish my moms' mother was still alive, because I know her spirit is just like my mom's and if people tell me I'm the spitting image of my mother then I know I'd be just like my grandma. I'm 19 and I miss her more than ever, I think it's because I'm going through things that I don't wanna go to my mom with but I wish my grandma was here to help me with it. I can't talk to my grandmother because she will judge me like she's done my whole life. So I miss my grandma, like she's the one I would confide in and spend all my time with. I don't know her too well but all I imagine is her being like my mother times 10! And I wish I could just be in her arms again, cause my heart is so heavy with everything I'm going through; past but fresh heartache, new love, friendships fading, and feeling lose. My mother always describes her as the strongest sense of family, and I miss that feeling of having family, so I miss her. Basically there's a difference between a Grandmother and a Grandma and I miss my Grandma.


Sincerely,
AB

Bye

It was today around 2:30 in the afternoon when I found out that I wouldn't see you anymore. Both a blessing and a curse, I am once again forced to deal with the emotions that come along with anything you do. Relieved that I won't have to face you once again, but saddened that I won't get to see that smile. Oh boy, I'm gonna miss you. You taught me a lot, and I don't think you even know it. You forced me to grow up quickly, and you showed me the cruel tendencies of this world, you showed me what pent up anger and a handle of vodka would make me do, you taught me that everything isn't as sweet as it seems. You showed me that people can be scared to love and because of this they hurt people without feeling guilty. You taught me that I would have to suck it up sometimes, and stop crying. You hurt me, and I am so thankful you did. You were the first person to make me feel the feelings I felt for the short time I knew you. I am blessed for all the tears you caused me to shed, but also blessed for all the lessons learned, You blessed me with the silence we shared, and the unspoken confusion of our relationship. I still have your shirt, and I refuse to wear it because it obviously reminds me of you, but I'm glad I still have it because it will obviously remind me of you. Blessed to say I knew you like I did, but it will still remain our little secret...like forbidden. I think you cared about me more than either of us really knew and the same goes for me caring about you. I want to text you and see how you are, but I think two months of space may turn into a lifetime of miscommunication. You were the reason I cried more than laughed and you were the reason I got drunk as often as I did, you were the reason behind my smiles and laughter, you were the reason I opted to walked the extra 5 minutes to get to class to take the chances of seeing you. You were the reason I went for 8am runs the morning after, the morning after our bodies intertwined. You were the motivation to be the best me, but honestly you were the reason that I couldn't be. You were the biggest contradiction in my life at that time, soul ties really fucked me up. But I am glad that I knew you, and I am glad that you taught me to grow up. I am glad that I got to experience a lot of lifes' firsts with you, and the thing that makes it better but hurt all the more is that you never really knew...the feelings you made me feel for you. Boy, oh Boy I'm really gonna miss you.

Sincerely,
Ariel Braxton


Note from the Author: If you believe in God or a higher power, remember that things play out the way they are supposed to. Lessons are learned not to harm but enhance you. I'm so glad I got to be hurt by this person, he was a blessing, it was my pleasure to feel things with him. He unlocked a lot of doors that eventually allowed me to find myself, and for that I am eternally thankful for this heartbreak.