I realized the other day, why I know that I love you.
It's hard to admit to myself that we might never be anything, and it's hard to keep my self respect when all we do is disrespect one another in the most beautiful way. Our bodies fit one another like they're puzzle pieces who have found the right place. My heart is yours, but I don't want you to have it, cause I want to keep my own property. But let's get back to the point, I know that I love you because if you ended up with someone else I would be hurt. I would be crying on the floor everyday, missing you. That's how I know that I love you, because even the mere thought of you loving someone else hurts me to the core. You'll probably never read this and you'll probably never know how I feel, because I get scared to tell you that real feelings are now involved, at least on my part. Feelings are involved, I already went through this with you, months ago, wondering if you'd ever feel the same. Then I let it go and our relationship bloomed, I could tell you like this part of me better, so I want to stay that way for you. When I hear myself say these things I feel ashamed because I treat myself like your doll, I am available to you 24/7 and sometimes I don't even do it on purpose, I just thoroughly enjoy you and the sex isn't too bad either, but I just like to feel safe in your arms, but I may seem too eager at times.
I was being petty a few nights ago, and I wasn't all too sober, but truth is I deleted your number out of my phone, after sending you a pretty provocative snapchat picture, of me basically inviting you to search every inch of my body. I wanted you so bad but didn't want to outwardly say it, so I tried to provoke you... No response lead to me deleting your number, and I felt a little bit better. Because I don't like being vulnerable to you. I'm not waiting on you anymore, if you want me come and get me. If not, then I guess we were never meant to be anything more than what we are now, if we are even allowed to put a description on our relationship, friendship, acquaintanceship, whatever the fuck this is. Let's see what you do, cause lord knows I don't want to be waiting around for you...for another full year. You texted me the next night, showing that you still wanted me, trying to make moves down to where I stay, I see your effort. But in all honesty it's not enough for me anymore.
I don't love you.
That's what I'll tell myself for now.
AB
I'm coming back to this post that I never published. A few days later and my feelings for you kind of changed. Not so worried about you anymore, I still feel for you in a strong way, but I don't know where your head is. So I don't know how to feel about you anymore. All I can say about you now is that I love you as a person, but I don't know if you'll mean anything more to me. A year of knowing you, a year of being in your arms, a year of laughter, a year of confusion, a year of communication, a year of missing each other, a year of being vulnerable to you, a year of being an almost couple, a year of nights in your bed, a year of movie dates, a year of sex, a year of what the fuck is going on. I don't know how to feel anymore, I'm numb to you now.
So I don't love you
That's what I feel now...
That's what I say, and it might not be the truth, but I don't know quite yet.
