It's been a while.

I haven't posted in a while...why? Because I've been living.

I started my junior year of college with more baggage and problems than I ever wanted, thinking that my heart was healed, realizing that it was just falsely bandaged. Life is rough.

Before school even started, I came in feeling great about myself, my commitment to the gym was higher than ever, I got to see my friends who I knew loved me for me, and I was stable; emotionally and spiritually. But that all changed very quickly. Getting drunk is a hobby of mine, we're only young once and my liver can handle it now. It's not a problem, but it is a tendency. In the daze of drunkenness I was...in a sad and twisted way privileged to hook up with my college crush since freshman year, though things weren't really what they seemed, infidelity was a thing for him, but I didn't know. Then days later I found myself playing the game that was played on me so many times. A boy was head over heels for me, although that didn't last long obviously, but he thought I was it, I was his dream. And honestly I played into that causing a couple of intimate moments that I later realized that I cherished  more than I thought. He was a sweet man who couldn't look me in the eyes after I told him to keep this on the low. I don't quite know why but our friendship is slowly recovering but my feelings are still up in the air when it comes to him. Then, again, days later I fell back in love with the boy I've known for almost a year. Although our bodies and words have intertwined with each other for that year, we've never discussed anything more. What was gonna come from this, me, trying to not replay my whole freshman year virginity thing, I haven't brought it up, because on date three he told me he wasn't looking for a relationship, understandable, I wasn't either, but 10 months later...what do we do. Seeing him makes me childish and goofy all over again each time I lay my eyes on him. He's sweet and he's kind, treats me well when he takes me out, and he loves me well at the end of the night. He's the only one I've decided to have sex with in the past 6 months, and I don't know if I did it subconsciously but I only let him hit it, with the lights on or off. There's a sense of safety there when we're together, but when we're apart for months at a time because that's what our schedules and living situation allows, I get scared cause I don't know who else he's loving when it's not me. This last time as we laid up in the back of my car, trying to regain our breaths after doing what we do. We found a sense of monogamy through our conversation, which I guess neither of us really knew that we were both being monogamous to each other. I think it scared us both, and made us question, what are we doing. I've asked that question many times as I've gone through the phases of hooking up with people in the past, the whole, "What are we doing, like what do you want from this." I usually ask too early, but 12 months deep, what the fuck are we doing?

On the other spectrum of my problems, there's one thing that's creeping back up on me. Something I've never told anyone, but maybe one or two people. But every time I water down to make it not seem like much. When I was in the 8th grade I developed eating disorder tendencies, I say it like that because  I never felt good enough or thin enough to claim the full disease. When I was younger it was worse than it is now, I blatantly just stopped eating multiple meals a day and stuck with just one meal, while being extremely active at the same time. High School it got better, yet worse at the same time. I just found a new technique. Freshman year decided to not eat breakfast and lunch and then would binge at dinner time. Sophomore year I did the same but realized I was still fat. Junior and Senior year I kept it moving doing the same thing but not to those extremes as before, it only got worse in the summer time, binge eating and laxatives where my thing, and summer time gave me the opportunity to have all the time in the world to eat and guilt myself. Freshman year of college was the year I dropped 30 pounds, for the first time in a semi-healthy manner. I feel in love with the gym and weight training and continued that all the up to this very moment of typing. But I still had tendencies, I would skip out on a meal or two or space them out where I couldn't get all my meals because the day was almost over. I got really thin to the point where I weighed about 149 pounds which is really unhealthy for my body I'm 5 foot 10 inches with a wide frame, my mom suspected that I had a problem but never really dug too deep, thankfully. I was doing a lot of cardio to the point of absolute exhaustion almost every day, then in this past summer I got really into lifting and becoming stronger, and I did just that putting on about 20 pounds over the span of that past year, and it is mostly muscle I have gained back, but I do get insecure, and this past week my body felt so different that I even feared that I was potentially expecting, I was holding fat on my lower abdomen which made me feel ugly, so I worked my ass off and it's gone, but the I went about it was all wrong. As I lay in bed now and run my hands across my body I can feel my bones, and that makes me happy...and that scares me too that I feel so much joy from that. I don't want to be like this for my whole life, and part of me feels like it will just fade over the years. But in the back of my head I know it wont...

So that's what I've been going through in this past month, it's been rough. But it can only get better, right?