11:03 PM

I can't really put all the words together to explain this gut feeling. But things are not the same and I thank God every day that my life is different than it was just a few months ago. When people would say that you change into a whole other person at this age, I mean I knew I would be different but I didn't realize what it meant. I feel like I've grown so much more in the past 12 weeks than I have in my whole life that it is impossible for me to comprehend my past. Like those things never happened and that girl wasn't me. It's all a faint memory, and even sometimes a dream that I'm still waking up from...still filled with shame and terror, I don't want my past to even say my name. And I tremble at the thought of that time, although fun, I didn't have a focus, I didn't have a grind. And now a little bit later in time I've found my light, I'm living in my prime. All these things good, but I still feel lost and a little misunderstood. Like I'm stuck, suffocating in this place, better than I was but not quite where I am destined to be. Struggling to let go of those people who aren't there for me, literally the ones who only come around when it benefits everyone but me. I've grown up my whole life being a people pleaser, and see that isn't a good thing...when I think about it, it really has done nothing but damage me. Throughout my whole life I was so concerned with others feelings towards me, that I didn't give myself the time to maintain my own. Struggling to stand firm in my worth, getting rid of those who don't nor care to respect me. Letting go of transgressions that meant nothing but felt a lot like something. I'm a sensitive soul, and although not said out loud, a lot of these things tear me apart inside, crying, screaming, dreaming, and being all within my mind. The hardest yet most beautiful time of my life. Chasing something that I can't see, chasing something that I have to wait to come to me, chasing everything instead of doing the work and waiting patiently. Still eager at heart and naive in my thoughts and expectations. Life is throwing me curve balls and yet I still expect to end up on base every time. I've given up on giving up and I would love to say that I don't let my past define me, but it does. It defines me to the tee, every line in my skin, every word that flows from my mouth was built upon my past. Everything I've done that has made me ashamed; has made me to be the person I'm proud of today.